Dear Mr Blair,
I am applying for a position in your cabinet. I know that I have all the pre-requisites for the post because I can spell, write well and I am Scottish. I am sure that makes me special. I do not always make the right decisions but what the hell, that is no better than your inner circle is doing now. I am sure I can do a better job than Des Browne who, by the way, does not know his arse from his elbow. I, if confronted by a few returning hostages from Iran, would welcome them them back with open arms and a bouquet of flowers. I would not allow them to sell their stories to the media but I might. I mean, dithering is a pre-requisite for a cabinet post, right?
I can assure you, sir, that I shall be very strict about MOD stories. I shall ban them, then un-ban them, then errr,well I'll think about it.
I am dedicated to consulting upon your armed forces too. I will, like Mr Browne, nuke Iraq, destroy Afghanistan and try to get my driving licence again. Being Scottish I sympathise with Dessie boy but it is becoming tiring trying to be perfect. The problem, as I see it, is that the Scots drink like there is no yesterday (remember CK?),and I see Gordie, Darling ( like my eyebrows darling?), Ingram, Reid and a hundred other Scots lining up for jobs in Westminster (Jack and Alex won't have them!), and trying to effect a quiet coup de etat.
As I said, I'm Scottish too, but I'm not as silly as they are. I shall not try a coup. I don't need to.
