From My Thumb

Dear Alan,
Congratulations on becoming Home Secretary. I hope that you will heed some of my advice although I am just a layman.

I live in Egypt (Cairo) and I would like you to know that, although Egypt is a developing country, no foreigner may enter Egypt without a proper visa . He can be Arab, African, Roumanian, Russian or even British. There are no "ifs" or "buts" here. When you enter Egypt you receive a visa for one month---if you wish to extend this visa you have to visit a grey, unwelcoming building called the Mogama. If you are no longer a tourist after one month, and cannot prove that you have an employer's backing, you are arrested and thrown out of the country.You may not try to pull the wool over the eyes of the people at Mogama---unlike many Egyptians they accept no bribes or whining.

What you need is a Mogama: a computer is anathema to them but the checks on immigrants go from a courteous smile to another man, another woman, another man, and so on. If you are illegal, you are illegal and your famous Ghana personality gets nowhere.

You could learn from this Mr Johnson, before the Birmingham et al figures rise from 50% immigrants to 70%.

After all, whose country is it?

Oh, Dear, by the time this short column is finished our Wee Gordon may have lost more than 4 ministers , local elections by the score and still be hanging on with his Scottish Terrier teeth. I cannot think of any other cabinet crumbling like a Hob Nob since Major's time. Sir John, of course, crumbled while enjoying the sweet delights of Edwina Currie---what a way to go. Unfortunately OOR WEE Gordon has no such distractions. Actually he has: Hazel of the Orange Angels has roared off into the sunset on her Harley; Jacqui is hiding in a video shop;John Hutton is weeping waterfalls as he departs and Ed Purnell, who is a capable sort, turned out to be a snake in the grass.

Gordon hangs on with tenacity and has told Ed Balls to wait for the Chancellorship (perhaps Ed, an arsecreeper of renown, will have to wait). His handling of childrens' affairs falls far short of protecting young ones. Dear Darling is saved, for now.

The new Home Secretary, Alan Johnson, who embraced Education and was spurned----mainly because he knew bugger -all about it, is no less equipped than Jacqui Smith---God help us. If he tightens up the borders I'll forgive him.

It's Guy Fawkes night in June. Who is going to be the Guy? Seriously, the cabinet is a mess, the opposition is gaining local election seats and King Cameron is now becoming a serious threat!

I have to admit that I have not blogged here for awhile because I owed my allegiance mainly to a blog site with many American friends. However, those friends turned against me when I pointed out that the Israelis had been a little "war-crime-like" in their attacks on Gaza. If you wish to aggravate Americans about Israel you mention harsh force with a bit of phosphorus thrown in! Friends become enemies rather quickly and the blogsite was becoming a little trashy anyway. I don't want to read about sick dogs, knitting or Born-again Christians who quote the bible at every opportunity.

I am not un-Christian but I don't want to hear what vile, aggressive people we are every time I log in. Bias can be a good thing if it's reserved for the Labour Government, but not when you question quotes from a misleading handbook (The Bible), and try to make said Christians aware that the Bible is flawed in every way simply because it has been altered so much since it first appeared that it may as well have written by Enid Blyton.

Tomorrow I shall write about a prominent motorcyclist and a woman whose husband has a penchant for ordering porn films. Most order a Chinese---his Chinese has a little twist about it.

What can you expect from Spy Britain in the next year? Well they have dustbins and waste under control. Now I hear they can tap everyone's phones (that's what the News says), and they're hoping to have everyone's DNA on file in a few years. It matters not when,or how, it'll probably happen. It seriously matters that a country that has complete control of its citizens has no idea how many citizens it has.

It seriously matters that a horde of asylum seekers, illegal immigrants and every other Tom, Dick and Harry is entering Britain and, get this, applying for, and getting benefits. And no-one has control. When did Britain become Father Christnmas? Quite a while ago, actually. I think we'd be shocked if we knew the real figures. Millions being paid to people from Africa,Asia, the Middle East, Eastern Bloc countries etc. Yet we can't equip our loyal soldier lads in Afghanistan properly.

And Crime? Don't worry: Father Christmas understands that if you let people live here for free (or virtually free), and they come from elsewhere, a modicum of restraint is necessary.I mean, take it easy when you blame little bastards with no standards and poor parental control for having guns and knives and Ninja stars and pot pipes. Sheesh, they're in the blessed land. Don't, for God's sake blame them--it could be construed as racial criticism (or even guilt complex when it comes to Polish thieves), --just relax while Britain self-destructs.

The news from the good old rootin' tootin' shootin' USA is that Blackwater, a mercenary army (sanctioned by Bush but probably encouraged by Cheney), is shootin' up the streets of Baghdad. I didn't know GW was so short of troops. And I didn't know that these guys were a law unto themselves. I hear the Aussies are doing it now.

Let's forget humour and rumour: The fact is Blackwater takes the law into its own hands (I'm not mentioning incidents), and is running around in a City with enough problems, causing more mayhem than a lynch party in sixties Alabama. In Fact, let me re-phrase that: Some Yankees still think they are party to a lynching job.

Let me, a layman and free-lancer, give them advice that will probably not be noticed: Your heads are thicker than the butts of your M16's. Get the F**k out of a soldiers' party.

I have often thought that vitriol is sometimes seen as negative and should perhaps be toned down. It IS NEGATIVE because of the fury that provokes comment on some of the things that occur in Britain today. This is 2007 yet we see mismanagement, mispolicing and absurd criminal behaviour and disrespect for private life. I shall not tone down my vitriolic attacks because of absurd things that should not be happening in a First World country. Once a week, from now on, I shall be mean, aggressive, critical and frustrated about things happening in Britain:

So, FROMMYTHUMB presents: "Bent and Broken Britain."

* What on earth prevented two Community Support Officers from diving into a lake and pulling a boy out to safety. If I was a CSO it would be a knee-jerk reaction. If I was a human being it would be a knee-jerk reaction. What happened? Could the Cso's not swim or try to swim? Do you obey health and safety orders when a boy is sinking to his death? Are you scared you'll be fired for jumping in or is it true that a lot of British people have not yet learnt to swim. Give me a break. I'd put my job on the line to save a drowning child.

* News continually filters through from the Portuguese press that some mishap happened to Madeleine McCann. The latest is that she fell down some steps. Jeez, where do they get these stories? I read over the weekend that the Portuguese press is starved for news and that idiot coppers supply them with what they need. Those same Inspector Clouseaus, who couldn't find a Hummer in a shopping Mall, are still at it. Spread dirt, vindicate us, admire us for our consistent plodding. I'm a small word in a large dictionary but I suggest they lay off and realise they're wasting time thinking of "supposed" theories and start (again) looking for the girl. Leave the McCanns alone to grieve and use every method they can to look for the missing Maddie. And for F***s sake, Policia and news-starved Portuguese press, stay away. I suggest you leave the speculation to a more sensible country's press. Get back on the trail of the girl Amigos and stop worrying about your ten daily coffee breaks.

* I do not know what to say about a teenager who is forced into a quarry lake and stoned to death. No matter what he did, it is obvious that violence is at a higher level than we can imagine.Is it possible that we are learning punishment methods used in Iran and Nigeria or are we simply becoming a society out of control? The entire crime is disgusting and appalling and we need to know more about the backgrounds of the criminals who are destroying our society.

* 4 Angolan refugees are arrested for a Giro scam while,in their normal, lucky "break", they sit back on sofas bought with benefits and watch TV
bought with benefits, then proceed to build a hotel in Luanda using those benefits. Who is controlling Britain and its borders? Is this country handing out Smarties to every Tom, Dick and Harry? Have we lost the plot? Don't we realise that our high crime levels are due to these conniving B**S who see Britain as an easy touch? This probably happens a thousand times over all around Britain.

* I note from the Daily Mail that the appelation Polish Plumber is becoming obsolete. Now it has become "Polish thief". Sounds rather biased doesn't it but apparently the Poles are not backward in taking a little treasure from their employers and getting benefits in Britain and in Poland. How very neat.

Read this column next week because I am not going to pull any punches!

For once Peter Hitchens of the Daily Mail made sense when he said that blame was not important in the Madeleine McCann saga but rather that we wanted her back safe and sound.I echo this, particularly when Hitchens is usually so vitriolic in his articles that one, in complete surprise , at a small pinch, senses that Hitchens has feelings. After all, this goat, like the ewe Littlejohn, write for the Daily Maily only to spew out their own frustrations at the public. Their columns smack of sensationalist criticism of such puerile quality that I wonder, at times, where they dredge up all the drivel they write about!

I digress. The little Maddie is in my daily prayers and I hope, above all hope, that she is safe--- in an unsafe World that has proven that man is just another animal. The World is a bloody mess because people cannot agree or are just so damn backward that they cannot even think!

As for blame, well think about it a little.Can there be no blame? After all, a child has gone missing and there is not the slightest clue where she is. I get the impression that the Police in Portugal (amanja, si), are nothing but a lot of bumbling Clouseaus in search of an invisible suspect. I regret to say, that after hearing that it took almost 24 hours to raise them from their beds, I have little faith in a police force that, quite frankly, has no idea about detective work.

Their prime suspect, Murat, is a fool in disguise and it would be so nice if he were involved, handcuffed and confessing from a wooden beam. But he is not even in a cell.

This kidnapping is becoming so sordid because of the inept men who are wandering around in Disneyland. It is a great shame because the frightened little girl is drifting further away from us.God bless her little soul. Blame is a harsh word but we have to blame someone. The "good job" they are all doing is not good enough!

Sure I may be wrong, but look at the following headlines:
" Mothers and granny urge toddlers to fight like dogs."

Just look at them. The photos are clear. Four slags with fags and bellies on view. This is the face of Britain today. Overweight, slovenly mothers with less culture than a snail and less common sense. Is Britain becoming a nation of rubbish people who have no interests other than the "Onslow" culture they live in? We cannot generalise here but it seems to me that that the "fish and chip" mentality is well on its way to being the image of Britain.

Next Headline:" 5 year old expelled from school." What happened? were Mr and Mrs Onslow so drunk (while drinking beer on benefit money), that they could not bring a 5 year old into line?

Next headline: " Secondary pupils are out of control". I'm not surprised. Britain today is being held together by a strong economy which seems to over-ride the lapses in its education system. It will catch up as we can see from our next headline:

"Man. United fans go crazy before Roma game." The rubbish of Manchester emerges to shame a country.

Shoot me if you like but Britain is slowly becoming a nation of yobs, slags, drunks, undisciplined children and sloppy,TV-cultured layabouts. They are developing a culture (immigrants aside),which provides no example whatsoever to anyone. And we (!) point fingers at Muslims and Hindus!

It is shameful to see Britain go this way but it is slowly sinking into a quicksand of fat, chain smoking wives, slovenly, beer slurping husbands, unruly kids and a vulgar outlook on life that beggars belief.

Dear Mr Blair,

I am applying for a position in your cabinet. I know that I have all the pre-requisites for the post because I can spell, write well and I am Scottish. I am sure that makes me special. I do not always make the right decisions but what the hell, that is no better than your inner circle is doing now. I am sure I can do a better job than Des Browne who, by the way, does not know his arse from his elbow. I, if confronted by a few returning hostages from Iran, would welcome them them back with open arms and a bouquet of flowers. I would not allow them to sell their stories to the media but I might. I mean, dithering is a pre-requisite for a cabinet post, right?

I can assure you, sir, that I shall be very strict about MOD stories. I shall ban them, then un-ban them, then errr,well I'll think about it.

I am dedicated to consulting upon your armed forces too. I will, like Mr Browne, nuke Iraq, destroy Afghanistan and try to get my driving licence again. Being Scottish I sympathise with Dessie boy but it is becoming tiring trying to be perfect. The problem, as I see it, is that the Scots drink like there is no yesterday (remember CK?),and I see Gordie, Darling ( like my eyebrows darling?), Ingram, Reid and a hundred other Scots lining up for jobs in Westminster (Jack and Alex won't have them!), and trying to effect a quiet coup de etat.

As I said, I'm Scottish too, but I'm not as silly as they are. I shall not try a coup. I don't need to.

....or fools who do not have the foggiest idea how to ride a bicycle! Is there any end to the crazy life-style Britain finds itself in since the Hon. Anthony Blair took over ten years ago. If I wanted to write a book on failure I would be into a thousand pages or more by now. Just consider the following mess Blair and his cronies have led Britain into:

* Thugs, yobs, soccer hooligans, bent Eastern Europeans and bad black boys hold sway (and suck the teat accordingly), due to a poor school system, lax immigration laws, inadequate policing (not the copper's fault),too easy benefits and a general breakdown in moral behaviour.
* We cannot blame Blair for past failures (the immigration thing is a result of stupid decisions made decades ago, but one wonders whether Blair could not have held tighter control through his Home Office.

* Free World culture: I'll wager John Reid and company have no idea how many leaches there are in Britain right now.You may as well put up a poster at all major airports saying: " Welcome to Britain. don't forget to register with the NHS,Get your NI number and claim benefits if you broke your ankle in Nigeria 22 years ago.Local job centres will help you find work unless you are British Citizens over the age of 50.

* Why is Britain such a mess today? Well, look at Blair's henchmen:

No. 1 in the cabinet: John Prescott. A man from humble background. A man who shows it by embarrassing/threatening every virgin in Hull. .
No.2 A Margaret Beckett. A lady who insults Falklands veterans. A lady who thinks she's a Jack Straw with bicycle clips.
No. 3. John Reid. A man who thinks he's Braveheart but has no idea how to sort out a Home Office destroyed by bored shitless little men who lose files on a regular basis.
No. 4.Oor Gordie. A Chancellor who stuffed up pensions ten years ago.
No. 5. Des Browne, a Scot who does not realise that you cannot bend the rules when soldiers come back free from Iran.Sell your story too Des. Is he stupid or does he know something we don't?

Even Margaret Thatcher and John Major would have cringed at the idiocy of this senior cabinet disaster.

I'm not even going near Peter Hain (pseudo South African asshole), or Margaret or Tessa. They are all, clearly an embarrassment.

Poor Tony. He has picked a dire lot and long may they bury him!