What can you expect from Spy Britain in the next year? Well they have dustbins and waste under control. Now I hear they can tap everyone's phones (that's what the News says), and they're hoping to have everyone's DNA on file in a few years. It matters not when,or how, it'll probably happen. It seriously matters that a country that has complete control of its citizens has no idea how many citizens it has.

It seriously matters that a horde of asylum seekers, illegal immigrants and every other Tom, Dick and Harry is entering Britain and, get this, applying for, and getting benefits. And no-one has control. When did Britain become Father Christnmas? Quite a while ago, actually. I think we'd be shocked if we knew the real figures. Millions being paid to people from Africa,Asia, the Middle East, Eastern Bloc countries etc. Yet we can't equip our loyal soldier lads in Afghanistan properly.

And Crime? Don't worry: Father Christmas understands that if you let people live here for free (or virtually free), and they come from elsewhere, a modicum of restraint is necessary.I mean, take it easy when you blame little bastards with no standards and poor parental control for having guns and knives and Ninja stars and pot pipes. Sheesh, they're in the blessed land. Don't, for God's sake blame them--it could be construed as racial criticism (or even guilt complex when it comes to Polish thieves), --just relax while Britain self-destructs.

The news from the good old rootin' tootin' shootin' USA is that Blackwater, a mercenary army (sanctioned by Bush but probably encouraged by Cheney), is shootin' up the streets of Baghdad. I didn't know GW was so short of troops. And I didn't know that these guys were a law unto themselves. I hear the Aussies are doing it now.

Let's forget humour and rumour: The fact is Blackwater takes the law into its own hands (I'm not mentioning incidents), and is running around in a City with enough problems, causing more mayhem than a lynch party in sixties Alabama. In Fact, let me re-phrase that: Some Yankees still think they are party to a lynching job.

Let me, a layman and free-lancer, give them advice that will probably not be noticed: Your heads are thicker than the butts of your M16's. Get the F**k out of a soldiers' party.

I have often thought that vitriol is sometimes seen as negative and should perhaps be toned down. It IS NEGATIVE because of the fury that provokes comment on some of the things that occur in Britain today. This is 2007 yet we see mismanagement, mispolicing and absurd criminal behaviour and disrespect for private life. I shall not tone down my vitriolic attacks because of absurd things that should not be happening in a First World country. Once a week, from now on, I shall be mean, aggressive, critical and frustrated about things happening in Britain:

So, FROMMYTHUMB presents: "Bent and Broken Britain."

* What on earth prevented two Community Support Officers from diving into a lake and pulling a boy out to safety. If I was a CSO it would be a knee-jerk reaction. If I was a human being it would be a knee-jerk reaction. What happened? Could the Cso's not swim or try to swim? Do you obey health and safety orders when a boy is sinking to his death? Are you scared you'll be fired for jumping in or is it true that a lot of British people have not yet learnt to swim. Give me a break. I'd put my job on the line to save a drowning child.

* News continually filters through from the Portuguese press that some mishap happened to Madeleine McCann. The latest is that she fell down some steps. Jeez, where do they get these stories? I read over the weekend that the Portuguese press is starved for news and that idiot coppers supply them with what they need. Those same Inspector Clouseaus, who couldn't find a Hummer in a shopping Mall, are still at it. Spread dirt, vindicate us, admire us for our consistent plodding. I'm a small word in a large dictionary but I suggest they lay off and realise they're wasting time thinking of "supposed" theories and start (again) looking for the girl. Leave the McCanns alone to grieve and use every method they can to look for the missing Maddie. And for F***s sake, Policia and news-starved Portuguese press, stay away. I suggest you leave the speculation to a more sensible country's press. Get back on the trail of the girl Amigos and stop worrying about your ten daily coffee breaks.

* I do not know what to say about a teenager who is forced into a quarry lake and stoned to death. No matter what he did, it is obvious that violence is at a higher level than we can imagine.Is it possible that we are learning punishment methods used in Iran and Nigeria or are we simply becoming a society out of control? The entire crime is disgusting and appalling and we need to know more about the backgrounds of the criminals who are destroying our society.

* 4 Angolan refugees are arrested for a Giro scam while,in their normal, lucky "break", they sit back on sofas bought with benefits and watch TV
bought with benefits, then proceed to build a hotel in Luanda using those benefits. Who is controlling Britain and its borders? Is this country handing out Smarties to every Tom, Dick and Harry? Have we lost the plot? Don't we realise that our high crime levels are due to these conniving B**S who see Britain as an easy touch? This probably happens a thousand times over all around Britain.

* I note from the Daily Mail that the appelation Polish Plumber is becoming obsolete. Now it has become "Polish thief". Sounds rather biased doesn't it but apparently the Poles are not backward in taking a little treasure from their employers and getting benefits in Britain and in Poland. How very neat.

Read this column next week because I am not going to pull any punches!

For once Peter Hitchens of the Daily Mail made sense when he said that blame was not important in the Madeleine McCann saga but rather that we wanted her back safe and sound.I echo this, particularly when Hitchens is usually so vitriolic in his articles that one, in complete surprise , at a small pinch, senses that Hitchens has feelings. After all, this goat, like the ewe Littlejohn, write for the Daily Maily only to spew out their own frustrations at the public. Their columns smack of sensationalist criticism of such puerile quality that I wonder, at times, where they dredge up all the drivel they write about!

I digress. The little Maddie is in my daily prayers and I hope, above all hope, that she is safe--- in an unsafe World that has proven that man is just another animal. The World is a bloody mess because people cannot agree or are just so damn backward that they cannot even think!

As for blame, well think about it a little.Can there be no blame? After all, a child has gone missing and there is not the slightest clue where she is. I get the impression that the Police in Portugal (amanja, si), are nothing but a lot of bumbling Clouseaus in search of an invisible suspect. I regret to say, that after hearing that it took almost 24 hours to raise them from their beds, I have little faith in a police force that, quite frankly, has no idea about detective work.

Their prime suspect, Murat, is a fool in disguise and it would be so nice if he were involved, handcuffed and confessing from a wooden beam. But he is not even in a cell.

This kidnapping is becoming so sordid because of the inept men who are wandering around in Disneyland. It is a great shame because the frightened little girl is drifting further away from us.God bless her little soul. Blame is a harsh word but we have to blame someone. The "good job" they are all doing is not good enough!

Sure I may be wrong, but look at the following headlines:
" Mothers and granny urge toddlers to fight like dogs."

Just look at them. The photos are clear. Four slags with fags and bellies on view. This is the face of Britain today. Overweight, slovenly mothers with less culture than a snail and less common sense. Is Britain becoming a nation of rubbish people who have no interests other than the "Onslow" culture they live in? We cannot generalise here but it seems to me that that the "fish and chip" mentality is well on its way to being the image of Britain.

Next Headline:" 5 year old expelled from school." What happened? were Mr and Mrs Onslow so drunk (while drinking beer on benefit money), that they could not bring a 5 year old into line?

Next headline: " Secondary pupils are out of control". I'm not surprised. Britain today is being held together by a strong economy which seems to over-ride the lapses in its education system. It will catch up as we can see from our next headline:

"Man. United fans go crazy before Roma game." The rubbish of Manchester emerges to shame a country.

Shoot me if you like but Britain is slowly becoming a nation of yobs, slags, drunks, undisciplined children and sloppy,TV-cultured layabouts. They are developing a culture (immigrants aside),which provides no example whatsoever to anyone. And we (!) point fingers at Muslims and Hindus!

It is shameful to see Britain go this way but it is slowly sinking into a quicksand of fat, chain smoking wives, slovenly, beer slurping husbands, unruly kids and a vulgar outlook on life that beggars belief.

Dear Mr Blair,

I am applying for a position in your cabinet. I know that I have all the pre-requisites for the post because I can spell, write well and I am Scottish. I am sure that makes me special. I do not always make the right decisions but what the hell, that is no better than your inner circle is doing now. I am sure I can do a better job than Des Browne who, by the way, does not know his arse from his elbow. I, if confronted by a few returning hostages from Iran, would welcome them them back with open arms and a bouquet of flowers. I would not allow them to sell their stories to the media but I might. I mean, dithering is a pre-requisite for a cabinet post, right?

I can assure you, sir, that I shall be very strict about MOD stories. I shall ban them, then un-ban them, then errr,well I'll think about it.

I am dedicated to consulting upon your armed forces too. I will, like Mr Browne, nuke Iraq, destroy Afghanistan and try to get my driving licence again. Being Scottish I sympathise with Dessie boy but it is becoming tiring trying to be perfect. The problem, as I see it, is that the Scots drink like there is no yesterday (remember CK?),and I see Gordie, Darling ( like my eyebrows darling?), Ingram, Reid and a hundred other Scots lining up for jobs in Westminster (Jack and Alex won't have them!), and trying to effect a quiet coup de etat.

As I said, I'm Scottish too, but I'm not as silly as they are. I shall not try a coup. I don't need to.

....or fools who do not have the foggiest idea how to ride a bicycle! Is there any end to the crazy life-style Britain finds itself in since the Hon. Anthony Blair took over ten years ago. If I wanted to write a book on failure I would be into a thousand pages or more by now. Just consider the following mess Blair and his cronies have led Britain into:

* Thugs, yobs, soccer hooligans, bent Eastern Europeans and bad black boys hold sway (and suck the teat accordingly), due to a poor school system, lax immigration laws, inadequate policing (not the copper's fault),too easy benefits and a general breakdown in moral behaviour.
* We cannot blame Blair for past failures (the immigration thing is a result of stupid decisions made decades ago, but one wonders whether Blair could not have held tighter control through his Home Office.

* Free World culture: I'll wager John Reid and company have no idea how many leaches there are in Britain right now.You may as well put up a poster at all major airports saying: " Welcome to Britain. don't forget to register with the NHS,Get your NI number and claim benefits if you broke your ankle in Nigeria 22 years ago.Local job centres will help you find work unless you are British Citizens over the age of 50.

* Why is Britain such a mess today? Well, look at Blair's henchmen:

No. 1 in the cabinet: John Prescott. A man from humble background. A man who shows it by embarrassing/threatening every virgin in Hull. .
No.2 A Margaret Beckett. A lady who insults Falklands veterans. A lady who thinks she's a Jack Straw with bicycle clips.
No. 3. John Reid. A man who thinks he's Braveheart but has no idea how to sort out a Home Office destroyed by bored shitless little men who lose files on a regular basis.
No. 4.Oor Gordie. A Chancellor who stuffed up pensions ten years ago.
No. 5. Des Browne, a Scot who does not realise that you cannot bend the rules when soldiers come back free from Iran.Sell your story too Des. Is he stupid or does he know something we don't?

Even Margaret Thatcher and John Major would have cringed at the idiocy of this senior cabinet disaster.

I'm not even going near Peter Hain (pseudo South African asshole), or Margaret or Tessa. They are all, clearly an embarrassment.

Poor Tony. He has picked a dire lot and long may they bury him!

How dare Richard Littlejohn describe returned marine, Faye Turney, as a "dumpy little cow" or words to that effect.

Writing in one of his "infamous" columns for the Daily Mail, puffed-up little john (sic), again, as usual, almost inevitably, decided to denigrate anything in the World that moves. This time it was a lass who I regard as no less than a heroine. This girl had a tough time in Iran, Littlewhatsit's view of a tough time is lunch without an adoring audience.

The problem with some columnists is that they are sometimes led to believe that they are bigger than their readership. They're not. They serve us and they would do well to understand that. The Daily Mail should know better too. Richard Littlejohn thrives on sour bitchiness and a quaint way with a word. He should know that he is often offensive and not much admired. He may well enjoy his banner "Littlejohn on Friday" but I for one think his writing is low class, crass and vulgar.

It takes all types--after all newspapers must sell--but should columnists be offensive to garner sales or be polite? They don't have to be polite, just not arrogant, filthy-tongued or downright offensive.

Let no one be in doubt about the bravery and stoicism of the 15 navy personnel returned to England on Wednesday. They were subjected to psychological pressures and mental damage for patrolling the sea inside Iraqi waters.

How the Iranians could have calculated that the sailors were out of bounds is not something unique or far-fetched if you know the Iranians. I do not profess to know them either but I can put two and two together. What really happened was not an anti-Bush show of supremacy or a daliance in over-border water. What really happened, I'll venture, is that some little seaman officer(being the good revolutionary that he was),decided that a few hundred yards or so of water between rubber ducks and himself were making him angry. Ergo, a show of force and a capture. If you know Iranians you'll know they're probably the most zealous of Islamic people anywhere.They get excited as a man or as a group.They,influenced by a narrow society that trucks no Western evil influence or any alien behaviour, are quick to anger, even quicker to shout and condemn. They are narrow-minded and some do not realise that the will of Allah (PBUH), is for calm and serenity.

This intolerance and sensitivity towards threat, is what brought the British Marines onto Iranian soil. After that, the Iranians, probably through confused channels of communication,and inculcated viciousness decided to play "Good guy, Bad guy."

The problem with many Islamic countries is that they are governed (sometimes in the background), by people who have a hard line attitude towards everything.

In fact they are so excitable that the now free seamen said today on Sky News that their captors were aggressive but at first helpful and later, calculatingly demanding.

I sum up with three points:

- Faye Turney deserves a medal for her stoic bravery.Being told, and accepting, that your comrades have "deserted You" and have gone home, is enough to push anyone to the limit. This girl is an example of British bravado. Well done.
-The men have taken their experience in their stride and their news conference today shows that they are not easily swayed by propagandising captors.
-Any media member who questions "Why the subservience?" or "Why the easy apology?" needs to look at what they (the marines), dealt with. As Lebanon is the most liberal of arab countries, Iran is the most fanatic.

If anyone knows how to destroy a country it is Comrade "General" Robert Mugabe. He could spend years on the lecture circuit citing his methods for turning one of the Worlds top tobacco producers into a barren wasteland full of dead maize plants. He could include the following points in his lectures (perhaps the first one will be in Johannesburg):

* How I fooled everyone by seeming to love my country.
* How I took out my hatred for Tony on the white farmers.
* How I gave my buddies(who have not learnt how to grow a radish), some really nice farms.
* How I taught 20 year olds to become war veterans.
* How I taught the war veterans to take over productive farms and turn them into barren wasteland.
* How I taught my buddy veterans to defecate on carpets left behind by white farmers.
* How I stopped smoking in Zimbabwe by trashing every leaf of tobacco.
* How I made the price of food and fuel rocket and broke records by reaching 1700% inflation.
* How I fucked up a bread basket and turned it into a sterile, barren landscape.
* How I beat up the opposition.
* And, for good measure, how I bulldozed Harare to keep the city clean.

Seriously though, this madman, a senile Mobutesque creature, has shown the World how not to rule a country. I cry for Zimbabwe and I hope Comrade Robert gets his comeuppance soon.He is a random haemhorroid (sic?) on the great continent of Africa.